Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Relationship Invaders, Virgin Vibrators

Thursday I did indeed decide to head into Paris after I finished work, but not before stuffing my face with shite food from Quick. I fancied a bit of wandering around shops, so I decided to hit La Defense to see what was going on in that part of town. It took absolute ages to get there, and I was feeling a bit premenstrual, so my enthusiasm for exploration had sort of expired by the time I’d actually arrived.

I went outside to find the big arch thing that always looked so pretty in films. Mate, it’s just an arch. Bit crap in real life. Another example of how Paris never lives up to the romantic stereotype it likes to give itself in fictional media. (It does, however, quite enjoy living up to the violent stereotypes, but that’s another story for another day)

A bit bored of sightseeing, and starting to feel moody, I decided that retail therapy would sort me out. I found a Virgin Megastore, and was in instant heaven. Here’s a list of the things I stopped myself from buying:

1/ Laptop speakers that look like massive iPhone headphones, I decided that I couldn’t justify spending 70€ on them. However, I keep thinking about them, so I might have to go back and get them.
2/ A portable DVD player. It would make my Eurostar trips go so quicker! But then I do spend half of the trip asleep. But it would be so convenient! I still have a telly that plays DVDs perfectly well. So no. I still want one though, I just might leave it til I get back to the UK.
3/ A new mp3 player. I do sort of “need” one (inverted commas seeing as nobody really NEEDS an np3 player, do they?) since I ever-so-cleverly stepped on mine and broke the screen. It still plays though, so I think I’ll leave that to Amazon when I get home in a couple of weeks.
4/ The 3DS. I can’t even explain how much I want this bit of kit. I miss my DS Lite terribly, and I was thinking about getting the DSi a while back, but my good friend Jon informed me of the imminent arrival of the 3DS, so I decided to wait. However, I never get consoles when they’re new as upgrades normally come out pretty soon after launch. I’ll wait for these. I will have one though.

Another interesting thing I found in there was a range of sex toys. This isn’t going on my list of things I had to stop myself from buying, as it didn’t really enter my head in the shop. I was too busy laughing at the irony of selling vibrators in a shop called Virgin.

After deciding that I would go away and think about these purchases before making them, I walked around a bit, decided that I would bring my lady here when we are in France together in a few weeks time then decided to head home as I was starting to feel ill.

It took two hours. I was unimpressed, majorly.

Friday I was working, teaching year 9 about cocaine in their favourite soft drink then correcting an activity about Aborigines with year ten. I spent my lengthy break planning something that I could work on with year 9, found an article on newsround. I decided to use newsround as it would use a language slightly more informal that might be easier for them to digest, so there I was, searching through for UK news articles, when I found the epitome of British news.

Someone has made a Royal Wedding souvenir… Sickbag.

It went down pretty well, if you’ll pardon the pun. They mostly used it to help their pronunciation (they plan their own activities, you see) and then I went home. I don’t actually remember what I did on Friday afternoon, but I know that I became rather ill on Friday night and even codeine and diclofenac didn’t stop the pain. I pretty much passed out at around half past three in the morning from pain, then woke up in time to get to Lille for the afternoon.

I got my beautiful Haagen-Dazs winning ice cream in order to make my life feel ten times better before getting on my train.

Lille was a bit shit. It rained the whole time I was there and there wasn’t really much to look at. It also took me around 5 hours to get home in total. I did get some new clothes though. And a laugh at multiple falling-over kids. One, for example, who was being a bit flash in the shopping centre doing handstands, and faceplanted the floor.

Sunday, the clocks changed, but I got up in time to go buy things to eat at the supermarket and pop to McDonalds to console myself with more junk food. I then spent my Sunday in my bed, talking to my girl. I can’t wait to get home so that I can have a face-to-face conversation and be able to cuddle up in front of the telly instead of having to cuddle up to my blanket and stare at Skype. She’s a bit amazing, you see, and I miss her roughly 105% of the time that we’re not together.

On Monday, I made the children play more word-games, because I am frankly quite bored of them. Next week is my last Monday ever as an English Assistant, and I can’t wait to see the back of my 6eme who have stopped being cute. English club didn’t even turn up, which meant that I got to sneak off home slightly early. I went home via the kebab shop, as I couldn’t actually wait till I got home to be able to eat something. Out of the 5 or 6 kebab shops on this particular street, I definitely picked the wrong one. There was a dude in there who thought he’d chat me up.

“You’re so beautiful”
“Er, thanks?”
“Can I have your number?”
“No…”
“Why?”
“Because I’ve got a girlfriend.”
“Ahhhh, okay. But, that doesn’t matter, I could join in, I wouldn’t mind!”
“Erm, no?”
“Yeah! It’ll be fine, I’ll join in, it’s fine”

Oh mate, that seals it. How could I possibly resist you? I’ve never heard ANY chat-up line like that, have me now! With your letchy face and your bright red eyes and your incapability of respecting the fact that a woman would like to EAT HER LUNCH THEN GO HOME.

And another thing, what is it with guys who think it’s acceptable to invite themselves into lesbian relationships, or guys who think that a girl is only gay because she hasn’t fucked him yet? You can’t even get a straight girl, how are you gonna get anywhere NEAR two girls in a relationship with each other? Urgh! Rant over.

I spent my afternoon clearing out my room. I’m getting towards having finished it, I’ve just got to arrange everything into boxes and get all the bins ready to be taken out. I’m going home quite the minimalist, you see.

Tuesday, I’m in work, I’ve found out that Knife Boy has been allowed back to school, but it looks like he’ll be going elsewhere for his education quite soon. He’d best be nice to me, or I’ll stab him.

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